Nasty fucking rain.
She’s not like other girls.
Very Disney score, heavy flute + piano evoking princess vibes appropriate for a bride.
I love vamp flashbacks.
Edward = Dexter, weird.
Oboe + flute is making it feel oddly Disney as he admits to killing murderers.
They’ve almost rolled the makeup back too much, Edward doesn’t look “vampire pale”.
“I love you” chatter is boring, too cutesy.
Is everyone supposed to wear white at a wedding? I thought that was bad luck or something.
Red vs white visuals are striking.
Visual / sound effects are a bit campy. Too “cinematic”.
Isn’t it a bit dangerous to have the wedding at the actual house that the Cullens live in?
Alice is almost too sassy in this one.
Lovely piano + strings piece as she’s walking down the aisle.
I wonder if a Volturi is going to pop out and kill everyone.
GENERIC ASS love song plays while they do the wedding ritual.
I couldn’t imagine making out in front of my entire family.
Nice visual storytelling with disappearing the crowd, “you’re the only thing that matters to me right now” kind of thing.
Extended family drama is still boring even if they are vampires.
Alice is so annoying in this one, what happened?
Soundtrack so far is not as banging, but that’s expected for a wedding I guess.
Edward and Jacob are chill now?
Why is vampire sex so deadly?
Why is Seth so important?
It’s a law that movie weddings are totally boring.
I think the only hanging chad is the Volturi, what are they gonna do?
The Volvo.
Why is Edward obsessed with Rio?
Bella’s got a Louis Vuitton.
Carlyle gave them a whole ass island.
30 minutes in and it’s just been a cheesy romance movie.
The rock music over the “getting ready” montage is nice, I’m sure it’s relatable for the fairer sex.
This film REALLY leans into the “every woman’s fantasy” angle.
Moonlit skinny dipping on a private island while you exchange virginities is very romance novel.
Oh god it’s that fucking song.
Hilarious that the bedroom is destroyed.
Did they do it or not yet? I don’t think so.
“Bella I can’t tell you how sorry I am” about light bruising that is often the result of typical coitus.
So they did do it?
I need something to happen, watching a boring wedding into a boring honeymoon is torture.
Black lingerie is nice.
I love Edward’s striped boxers lol.
Why the fuck am I just watching a couple doing couple things? There is no story being told here.
Can a vampire turn you by biting you anywhere or does it have to be the neck? Could you be turned via a bite in the ass?
I didn’t sign up to just watch these two have marital problems.
Relatable, it does suck when you have a really nice dream and then wake up and realize that reality fucking sucks.
Jacob hangin’ with the bros.
Jacob is so red-pilled lol imprinting is like taking the blue pill though if it just melts your brain.
This movie has zero personality.
Was that actually chicken?
Pregnant after having sex ONE time? Edward is potent as hell.
This soundtrack fucking sucks.
“Carlyle will get that thing out” lol
Score has developed a bit, still not anything to write home about.
Jacob has a nice leather jacket.
That’s a fast growing baby, I laughed out loud at her big gut.
Why did Bella need help from Rosalie? I can’t remember her superpower.
This feels so different than the other movies, there’s no fun vampire shenanigans, it’s just been a shitty romance.
Sometimes Tayler Lautner is really bad at line reads.
Judas priest, I’m bored.
Jacob running through the woods with his mental images is weird.
Wolf telepathy is funny as fuck.
Jacob talking while he’s the wolf is so fucking hilarious, is this Homeward Bound?
Is Seth Jacob’s brother? I can’t remember. Oh, no he’s not.
Why did they give Jacob an annoying sidekick character?
“Would the both of you shut up?” Amen, Jacob.
Boring werewolf talk. Imprinting is so weird.
Edward dramatically browses Yahoo.
Why can’t Carlyle turn her before she gives birth?
Edward and Bella have extreme Anakin and Padme vibes.
She looks like Christian Bale in The Machinist.
What the fuck is up with the rapid shots when she’s on the couch?
Edward getting emotionally cucked again.
Jasper’s hair isn’t as curly, I miss it.
Why are Tayler Lautner’s line deliveries so bad in this one?
Blood probably tastes nasty.
They’ve done a good job making Bella look rough as hell while she’s dying.
Actually a nice storytelling technique, making her look really beautiful and healthy in the first half and now she’s gross and dying.
Is that Charlie’s girlfriend?
Such a forced moment of Edward becoming fatherly. He even kissed her big belly.
I wonder if Jacob will actually betray them, probably not.
Laughed out loud at naming it “Edward Jacob”.
“Renesme” is hysterical.
Edward has zero personality in this movie.
Cutting into her gut is brutal.
The shots in the delivery scene are wild.
Newborns are gross. Is the baby CGI?
I’m not bothered by needles but having a big syringe stabbed into my chest would fucking hurt.
Brutal shot of Bella with her gut torn open on the operating table.
Edward is not pounding her chest hard enough for CPR.
I wonder if Rosalie is gonna kill the baby.
My question from earlier is answered, you don’t have to get bitten in the neck to get vamp’ed.
The vascular system CGI made me think of Osmosis Jones.
Scary CGI baby.
What the fuck is up with the visuals in this movie?
Is Jacob imprinting on a newborn?
Finally, a werewolf vs. vampire fight.
Is it… problematic that Jacob’s imprinted on the newborn?
Cool shot of the orange sun over the snowy mountains.
Why do the credits look like that?
Why are the Volturi suddenly so lame in this scene? Also why is there sunlight leaking in from the window behind them? Isn’t their secret hideout underground?
No Jane in this movie. She was the coolest character.
Another forgettable, shitty pop track to start off the real credits.
No Muse in this film. Disappointing.
That was rough.
“A Thousand Years” plays in the credits of this movie? AFTER a shitty Bruno Mars song? Surely it deserves better than that.